In the incredible flurry of activity in the past year, I have felt my obsession for personal growth fade, along with many other hobbies. Things that interested hold my attention no longer, and things that I considered boring have come to occupy an important position in my life. Lost hobbies, and old habits, new addictions and better obsessions. Sometimes, I wonder how things can change so quickly as time progresses. But I also understand that some habits need to be seeded, and others, weeded. And the New Year is a perfect excuse, to leave certain things behind, and accept some others.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The New Year has come and gone, and there is still so much more to expect. For me, New Year is a convenient excuse to clean all the clutter in my head and dust a few cobwebs. Come New Year, I end up blaming the previous year for everything that possibly went wrong. With the past bearing the wrath of my unjust insults, I leave it behind, to step into a new tomorrow with thousands of resolutions and many more wishful dreams. I cannot prevent this burst of optimism, and it’s been something I have always enjoyed and celebrated. But I also continually reflect, as is my irritable nature, I try to find reasons for everything.
My concentration has been a naughty monkey this year, jumping from branch to branch. Whatever that caught my fancy became an avid hobby, and I pursued with great enthusiasm, even if I knew nothing about it. From bird watching to art to photography to poetry to calligraphy to a mild interest in photoshopping pictures. Concentration wasn’t channelized, but I broadened my horizons. Yes, it has been enjoyable, this experimenting, but not satisfactory. If you keep jumping from one hobby to another, gathering so much pace and leaving your favorites behind, you tend to reach a certain stage of saturation where you grow confused and start to question yourself. And as confused as I have remained all year, there have been repeating questions which have remained unanswered.
Who am I to blame, for my loss of interests? Why don’t I miss my friends as much as I once used to? Why do I forget so much, and remember irrelevant things in great detail? Some habits have stayed strong, and others have melted away. And some hobbies have found gradual decay as have some other things seen rapid progression. Fewer filled pages in my journal, and lots of unfinished stories, more pictures in my album, and an expanded knowledge of films, movies and music. No recent best sellers on my bookshelf, but a worn bicycle. Less thought, more action. Less of intelligent talk, and more of gossiping. The thirst to explore and uncover has grown, but I guess I have unknowingly sacrificed so many things in the process. Stories, poems, and sonnets don’t find an end, and stay cluttered, begging for a conclusion. But I chose to orphan them, to pursue things that hold greater interest, the big outdoors. I breathe in the fresh air, and tap my feet to the exhilarating rhythm of life. And while doing that, have I forgotten to be the vigilant diarist, who also captures every experience, treasuring it in her words? The writer in me hasn’t vanished, and my creative instincts haven’t’ disappeared like vapor. But I realize I have cruelly suppressed them, prioritizing differently.
Words have been my best friends, ever since I can remember. They have listened voicelessly and comforted. They have captured experiences, and have earned my respect. When using the computer meant facebooking for twelve hours in the holidays, gloating about chatting with five friends at the same time and following every single thread of conversation, when full-fledged discussions with parents decayed down to hanging phrases, I knew that I had left something behind. I had left me behind. The real me, the one who hears the meaning within the word, whose writing is sporadic and not forced. The one, who tries to stay polite and not intrude the one who answered in complete sentences instead of “omg, k, ttyl.” Yes, I have left much behind, and I think it’s time to reclaim myself and return to hobbies that interested, and fall into my realm of comfort.
Striking that balance is a hard thing, and self-restrain is also difficult to achieve. My unhealthy obsession with networking has eaten away so much of my time and space. The delusion has engulfed me this past one year, but I’m convinced that the virtual is never as genuine as that one handwritten letter that comes to you with love.
So, I’m changing things this New Year. I’m steering clear, and removing the weeds. There is so much to reclaim. A pen pal has been forgotten, among all the million e-mails. A blog has grown dormant, among all the fanatic networking and efforts to reconnect. A mind has grown bored, listening to the same old songs. Books have remained unread, while trying to some sensational bit of news about somebody else’s life. A blog still hasn’t reached its 100th post. I may have gone from being somebody stubborn to being somebody impulsive.
But better things have happened too. I have discovered that photography can be interesting. I have found new friends. I have learnt to be grateful for the littlest things that life has to offer. I have not ceased to find wonders and small miracles in every day experiences. I still find beauty, in every experience, and I still believe in myself. I guess hope, is one habit that has stayed strong. I’m grateful for that too.
This New Year’s resolution has been constructed. I choose to step forward, and also go behind. Reclaim, and not forget. Laugh better and live healthier. Learn more, and never ignore. Work for a cause and find satisfaction. But more importantly, live life like there is no tomorrow, and rediscover. Because it’s never too late for anything. I promise this blog shall see it’s 100th post this year….and there is still so much more to expect!
Yes, it’s time to dust the cobwebs. And I have my duster ready. And also my vigilant pen. Because my poems need an end, as I need a new beginning. It’s time to dust my cobwebs!!!
Happy new year to you all! Hope you keep your resolutions! :)
Posted by Lakshmi Bharadwaj at 4:42 PM