Some of you might have read my previous posts. They say that you can judge a person’s character through his writing. If that is true, what are your opinions of me? Let me guess for you. I am ambitious, sensitive, love to write about trivial matters that are not really important, I can get angry quickly, and I am responsive, right? Wrong. All these things do not define me adequately.
I sense a change. This is a recent metamorphosis of mine. Over the years, I have acquired some (dis)honorable titles such as the “incurable pessimist” “The girl who forgets to talk” “meek” “bookworm” “unresponsive” and “shy” “cry-baby” and “nerdy”. Sure, all those characters are part of me. I find it so hard to open my mouth that I remain silent most of the time. If there is a relative in the house, firing questions at me, I smile blandly instead of answering. If you say, “Hello, Lakshmi”, I smile, and retreat politely into the world of my imagination. Oh, I am that perfectly behaved student of course, but not at all sociable. You will usually find me peeking into a thick novel when I am attending weddings, ceremonies, etc. I have been labeled as a girl who doesn’t talk, and that is a natural trait of mine. Or I was labeled so. You see, this girl is talking. She can now talk through her writing, she is finding new means to express herself. I have realized how deeply there was a need for me to talk, and all those emotions, thoughts, feelings that I had bottled up, memories that I had stored over the years are pouring out. I am not the same girl anymore—something is changing, it is something that is very difficult to define. My thoughts were my secrets, my emotions were hidden. The only friend with whom I shared myself completely was my journal. If I was angry, depressed, sad, joyful, jubiliant, or anything else, I shared it with my journal only, and put on a stoic act on the outside. Now, I realize hiding my emotions was foolish.
I have met some wonderful people on this blog, they have been really supportive. I am so thankful. You see, you people have made all the difference for me. I lack all those natural qualities of a normal teenager. I am repulsed by the thought of wasting time in front of the mirror, I am of the opinion that reading a book is a better pastime than watching TV, I hate pizzas, I mingle with kids and old people better than with others of my age, and I study for exams. Unusual, right? Others told me I was weird. You people told me I was special….of course, for the “incurable pessimist,”, a nice comment puts him on cloud nine. I can savor a small 2-word message “nicely written” for days together. I believed that I was nothing special, and that I was sub-normal in many ways. Being a loner does that to you. I am thankful to my grandfather who truly believes that I have certain special qualities, I am thankful to so many others for providing a platform to voice myself. I know I can protest against the wrong things, I know I care for people, and I realize I am not “unresponsive” anymore. Now, there is new courage in me, more self-belief, and tons of hope. Truly, you have worked a miracle.